Why Reading This Book Will Inevitably Make You Dumber, Faster, Strangely: 50 Shades of Sh*t (Grey) by E.L. James + 12 Things That Annoy Me About It (18+ MA ONLY PLEASE!)

I was inspired to start posting book reviews by my fellow bloggers, NerdyGirlShops and WandsandPliers. This review in particular was sparked by this post that WandsandPliers did about 50 Shades of Grey which was both hilarious and entertaining.

Anyhow, on with the review!

*WARNING – Spoilers Ahead!*

First of all, absolutely nothing happens in the first 3 chapters of this piece of crap. I got so bored I almost stopped reading. Finally, around chapter 5 or so, the story begins, albeit an unrealistic, annoying one. One thing I just don’t get is Anastasia’s naivete. Even if she is a 23 year old virgin, the extent of her lack of perception of people alone is just unfathomable. As much as James (the author) attempts to project this image of a cozy old hermit bookworm in a drop dead gorgeous (allegedly) girl’s body, I just don’t find it that believable. For her to not pick up on the fact that her “friend” Jose likes her is tantamount to moronic and the fact that she continuously whines in her head about her so-called best friend, Kate, nearly all of the first 3 chapters, but then goes on to say how much she adores her just shows exactly how low her self esteem and how hormonally imbalanced she is.

Another thing is, what exactly does Anastasia (or perhaps E.L. James) have against blondes? To add insult to injury, she completely writes off Jose’s attempt rape as “too much to drink” and endures Christian’s abusive, control freak, possessiveness until he beats her with a belt before leaving him. Ugh, I just don’t get it.

Above all,  I really think the only true accomplishment that E.L. James has is the fact that she’s managed to write a protagonist that I actually despise and who’s well-being I’m just not invested in. Other than that, her story is just another poorly written “romance” novel that she didn’t even write, but pretty much plagiarized from Twilight. As much as I dislike Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight, I at least give her the credit for creating the story. James didn’t even do that; the amount of coincidental story elements is too obvious to overlook and what’s left is just bad. One last thing that really bothered me: as much as she’s set this in the USA and has her characters down as American, the language is blatantly British. Don’t get me wrong, I love British vernacular, but what’s the point of setting the story in Seattle (aside from being too lazy to change your Twilight fanfic location to somewhere new) if your “American” characters act and speak like total Brits? Even Brits are reading this going ..“Why are they so formal?”  because no one speaks like the characters in this novel. It’s just not realistic and it’s exhausting to read.

 Actually, I’ve no idea if they are since I’m obviously American, but I like to think that’s what they’re saying!

So, that’s all the motivation I can muster up for this review. I apologize if it’s a bit convoluted, but I hope you enjoyed it anyway!

Here Are 11 (out of the 104998594895) Things That Annoyed Me About 50 Shades of Grey:

  1. Anastasia, the Insecure Hater. I really do not understand what Anastasia has against her so-called “best friend” given that Kate is such a nice girl. I understand the obviously envy given Kate has everything (she’s beautiful, rich AND smart), but if they’re such good friends, you would think she wouldn’t be so bothered about it? 
  2. I Wondered Idly. I cannot express enough how absolutely tired I am of hearing Anastasia’s 3 subconscious voices “wonder idly” about things. It’s just tired. Just STOP IT. 
  3. Licking Christian Upside the Face. This may just be me, but I don’t understand the eroticism behind licking someone’s facial hair and face. Again, maybe it’s just me, but I don’t get it. 
  4. God, what is it about feet? Indeed. WHAT IS IT About Feet Anastasia? You tell me.
  5. Is this legal? I don’t know, why don’t you look it up if you feel the need to ask yourself “50” times a day if something is legal or not?
  6. Poor Jose, the Pathetic Rapist is Forever Friend Zoned and Alone. As much as I am repulsed by Anastasia’s ability to shrug off Jose’s attempted rape, I also feel a tiny shred of sympathy for the inevitability of his “forever alone” future if he keeps on walking sadly after the oblivious and uninterested Anastasia. 
  7. Grey, Grey, Grey, Shades, Shades, Shades, Etc. Man, talk about over-used words and phrases. I am too lazy to count the times Anastasia says “50 shades of [insert noun here]” or mentions “smoldering grey eyes/gaze,” but I’m willing to bet it’s in the 100’s. 
  8. Oh Miss Steele & Mr. Grey. Really?? Good Lord, I feel like I need to pull out my silk robe and pipe to read this shit.
  9. Adjective Abuse. Dear E.L. James, just because you put a million and one adjectives together to describe one thing does NOT make it a vibrant, well written description. It just makes me feel like you’re a terrible writer with no actual talent. Which you are. 
  10. Romanticizing Violence. This is one part of the book that seriously pisses me off. About 2/3 through the book, Christian starts getting a little too hardcore for my taste, though I’ve disliked his control freak possessiveness pretty evenly the entire way through this trash, and toward the very end actually beats Ana with a belt. Now, at this point, he’s already hit her a few times and they aren’t what I’d classify as “love taps,” especially considering he feels the need to give her Tylenol and bruise cream after the fact. Yet, in spite of all this, James still writes it like it’s sexy and romantic in a way. I know this is going into personal preference, but I just can’t help but feel that it’s abuse no matter how you swing it and not because he is into BDSM, but because he has SERIOUS issues that fuel this need to harm and control her and nothing else. 
  11. Control Freak, Possessiveness, Out of Control Jealousy, Etc. Made Attractive. I can wrap my head around the fact that some women enjoy making their man jealous or mad intentionally, but the way it’s portrayed in this is just dysfunctional to me. He’s not just harmlessly envious, he’s downright furious and he wants to punish her for it. Again, if you’re into that, cool, but I’m not and it turned me off. Also, I feel like this isn’t reality. In reality, this relationship would end up on COPS or Forensic Files, not Lifetime. 
  12. Her Sunconscious Has a Subconscious Which Has An Inner Goddess. Lastly, this was one of the most annoying bits. Why does Anastasia have a subconscious with another subconscious which has an inner goddess? If you ask me, she should really visit a shrink for that. 

So, those are all the things that got on my nerves while reading this.

Have you read 50 Shades of Grey?

How did you feel about it?

Let me know in the comments!

<3

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15 thoughts on “Why Reading This Book Will Inevitably Make You Dumber, Faster, Strangely: 50 Shades of Sh*t (Grey) by E.L. James + 12 Things That Annoy Me About It (18+ MA ONLY PLEASE!)

  1. September 24, 2012 at 12:42 AM

    Lol thank god someone else who loathes this series. Okay I guess I can’t say that since I’ve never attempted to read it. But just from what I’ve heard, it’s not up my alley. I’m not typically into books like this but I’ve also heard that the author has a lack of vocabulary (uses the same words/phrases over and over) and that its about sex (something I don’t like to read about, really). I just don’t even want to waste my time. Based in tie review, I’m right not to bother with it. Thanks for the laughs

    1. September 24, 2012 at 2:13 AM

      LOL. Another reason we are connected! And yes, it is poorly written. There are typos, grammatical errors, odd phrases that make no sense,, It’s just not good. Plus the amount of adjective abuse is hard to ignore. And Anastasia says things like “50 Shades of …” and “His Smoldering Grey Gaze” like 5 million freaking times. There was so much eye rolling while I read this..which took me like 3 months to do because I needed to take breaks to endure the crap haha. Yes there’s lots of sex and it gets really tired after the 4th time. I didn’t know sex could get uninteresting after awhile. The most interesting scene was when he beat her with the belt, but then I was just horrified it took her that long to realize he was fucked up. glad you enjoyed it! x

  2. Liss Cope
    September 24, 2012 at 1:03 AM

    Oh thanks for this review, is so refreshing to read someone that’s not saying how much love this book. I’m pretty sure a lot of people find it really good but I’m totally agreed with you, I just don’t get it :S

    1. September 24, 2012 at 2:15 AM

      Haha I’m glad you enjoyed it! I haven’t read too many saying they loved it, but then maybe I’m subconsciously avoiding them. Yeah I think it’s fine if you like it, but I just hated it. Glad I’m not alone!! x

  3. Dash
    September 24, 2012 at 6:46 AM

    I’m never going to read this series but loved your review!
    What I dislike about 50 Shades most is the way that people over-share their reading experiences. I’m not prudish at all but don’t really need to hear that a casual acquaintance is enjoying reading her pornography in bed, nor do I want to end up cornered by my boyfriend’s aunt and uncle at a family dinner so they can tell me how much they enjoy reading it together!

    1. September 24, 2012 at 8:08 PM

      Lmao I definitely know what you mean about over-sharing; loads of my boyfriend’s mom’s work friends were obsessed with the series. I’ll never look at them the same or my cousin who felt compelled to post on FB about it. Its just awkward unnecessary TMI lol so i feel your pain!! Glad you enjoyed my post though x

  4. September 24, 2012 at 10:03 PM

    Haha I heard so many bad things about the book, I have NO interest about reading it.
    I laughed at the previous comment. My sister in law tried to lend her copy to my mother in law so they could discuss it like in a book club! I mean, my mother in law is awesome, but a book club about 50 shade of grey? No thanks

    1. September 24, 2012 at 10:19 PM

      LOL what is it about this book that makes people want to over- share? Glad we’re not the only ones! Haha

  5. September 25, 2012 at 1:43 AM

    LOLOLOLOL good review and yup, this book definitely reduces one’s inteliigence. I barely sat thru reading the descriptions though, because I don’t want to think how bad that bad book was. And I totally agree with the American- British thing. She obviously can’t write.

    1. September 25, 2012 at 6:02 AM

      I’m glad you enjoyed it! LOL. yeah I agree. I told my bf I was thinking of trying to plow thru the rest of the series just bc I’m a completionist but I feel like that might be glutton for punishment.

  6. September 26, 2012 at 8:17 PM

    Haha! Terrific post! I’m so glad I haven’t read it. It drives me nuts when British magazines change words or phrases used by Americans in interviews to British vernacular. And James obviously doesn’t value her craft very much if she hasn’t bothered to properly align the language with the geography!

    1. September 26, 2012 at 11:45 PM

      I’m so glad you enjoyed it! I totally agree ; annoys the crap out of me!! lol x

  7. May 10, 2013 at 1:02 AM

    The worst thing about the series: the characters bear the names of my brother and me. I used to be the Russian princess or the singer; now I’m some dumb porn heroine.

    1. May 10, 2013 at 5:15 PM

      Lol I’m really sorry to hear that, but hey, just tell everyone YOU had the name FIRST! That’s how I roll when people find out my name is Tianna and then they say “like the Disney princess?” and I’m like ” NO. Like ME!” haha. Don’t sweat it love. I’m sure the real version of you is better than the fictional crap character ♥ Thanks for visiting – please visit me again!

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